Everything’s Going to Be Okay. I’m One of the Good Guys With Some Gum.

I’ve been trained for this, I’m on your side, and I came prepared.

What I’m not going to do — what I’m going to take great pains not to do even once — is blow a bubble.

Everyone, remain calm. Yes, we’re in a dangerous situation, but we’re going to get through it, I promise. You can trust me. I’ve been trained for this, I’m on your side, and I came prepared. There’s no lunatic spraying hot lead who can’t be disarmed by someone enjoying a cool distraction. Decades of studying scenarios both real and hypothetical suggest that the best defense against an active shooter is a passive chewer.

Here’s how it will go down: You will all stay put, remaining as quiet as possible. I want this lunatic’s focus on me alone, and in particular on my mouth. I’m going to exit this room slowly and deliberately, with my empty hands raised so he can see that I pose no threat. My lower jaw will be moving up and down, though, methodically, compellingly. When I have the madman’s attention, everyone in the hall should have time to get out of harm’s way.

I grew up around gum — all different brands and flavors. I’m very comfortable with gum. I recognize gum for what it is, though. I respect gum.