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Matthew David Brozik
Matthew David Brozik

1.4K Followers

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Published in How Pants Work

·Pinned

I’ve Done My Own Research and Concluded That Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk Was Staged

(With David Waghalter) — I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the past 38 years, but I’ve spent much of that time at home analyzing the so-called “footage” of what many people consider to be a “cultural milestone.” After keeping my suspicions to myself for nearly four decades, I am finally ready to…

Humor

3 min read

I’ve Done My Own Research and Concluded That Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk Was Staged
I’ve Done My Own Research and Concluded That Michael Jackson’s Moonwalk Was Staged
Humor

3 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Mar 14

All the Names I Took Over Years of Kicking Ass May Have Been Exposed in a Data Breach

I urge you to take steps to avoid use of this information — Dear [REDACTED]: I’m writing to inform you of a recent security incident involving my records of asses kicked and names taken. This notification is being sent pursuant to various state, national, and international laws and because I genuinely feel bad about what happened. As you know — though you might…

Humor

4 min read

All the Names I Took Over Years of Kicking Ass May Have Been Exposed in a Data Breach
All the Names I Took Over Years of Kicking Ass May Have Been Exposed in a Data Breach
Humor

4 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Feb 22

Doily Affirmations

You are simple, but beautiful. You are flimsy, but you have an inner strength. You are not merely ornamental. You are instrumental. You are a placemat, not a doormat. You are a napkin, not a diaper. You are not cheap. You are inexpensive and priceless. You are transparent, but not invisible. You are your own protector. You will crochet your own destiny. You will knit your own path. You will embroider your own future.

Humor

1 min read

Doily Affirmations
Doily Affirmations
Humor

1 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Jan 30

If We Don’t Change Course Soon, Tuesday Will Be Upon Us

Are you afraid? No? Well, you should be. — “The world is closer to catastrophe than ever: the Doomsday Clock, the metaphorical measure of challenges to humanity, was reset to 90 seconds before midnight on Tuesday.” — NPR, January 24, 2023. I don’t know who needs to hear this, except, really, I do know, and it’s everyone. You, me…

Humor

4 min read

If We Don’t Change Course Soon, Tuesday Will Be Upon Us
If We Don’t Change Course Soon, Tuesday Will Be Upon Us
Humor

4 min read


Jan 1

Anxiety

(December 31, 2022) — If it weren’t for the irony of spending so much time in your own head, which otherwise might be a pleasant enough location, a magazine of hopes and dreams and standup routines, but has become a prison without walls, where the warden’s creativity and imagination turn every single tingle, twitch, and twinge into cause for alarm, prompting one to run back inside, seeking shelter

Anxiety

1 min read

Anxiety
Anxiety
Anxiety

1 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Dec 23, 2022

History Will Long Remember the War on Christmas Truce of 2022

We almost had eight silent nights. — Following years of intermittent hostilities — annually flaring up in late November (sometimes earlier, prompting a separate dispute) only to ebb to a simmer after a tense month — in 2022, combatants, perhaps experiencing post-melodramatic stress on both sides, informally halted antagonism for one evening. “Chestnuts Roasting on a Cease-Fire,”…

Humor

3 min read

History Will Long Remember the War on Christmas Truce of 2022
History Will Long Remember the War on Christmas Truce of 2022
Humor

3 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Dec 22, 2022

Headlines for the Holidays

Sleigh what, now? —

Humor

2 min read

Headlines for the Holidays
Headlines for the Holidays
Humor

2 min read


Dec 19, 2022

Ho, Ho, How many copies have you bought?

amazon.com/dp/1089719132

Humor

1 min read

Ho, Ho, How many copies have you bought?
Ho, Ho, How many copies have you bought?
Humor

1 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Dec 12, 2022

I Made $125K+ This Year Doing Nothing More Than My Day Job

You can do the same! Maybe. But probably not. — I’ve been seeing a lot of articles with titles like I Make $8,000/Month From a Side Hustle and My Hobby Brings In an Extra $153.09/Day and I Found a Quarter on the Sidewalk Outside My Home Last Week… so I figure it’s time that I let you in on my…

Humor

3 min read

I Made $125K+ This Year Doing Nothing More Than My Day Job
I Made $125K+ This Year Doing Nothing More Than My Day Job
Humor

3 min read


Published in How Pants Work

·Nov 25, 2022

It’s the Most Weird-Novel Time…

…of the year. — https://amzn.to/3GjlVxZ

Science Fiction

1 min read

It’s the Most Weird-Novel Time…
It’s the Most Weird-Novel Time…
Science Fiction

1 min read

Matthew David Brozik

Matthew David Brozik

1.4K Followers

Novelist. Copywriter. Lawyer. Lone punman. Visit imdb.name

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