Sham On You

(With David Waghalter)

I don’t know what you’ve been doing for the past 38 years, but I’ve spent much of that time at home analyzing the so-called “footage” of what many people consider to be a “cultural milestone.” After keeping my suspicions to myself for nearly four decades, I am finally ready to…

A Perfect Pairing

A Children’s Book for Adults

The Perfect Pairing

Meet Ginny.

Now meet Tonica.

Ginny’s the mature one. Tonica’s the bubbly but bitter one.

Ginny & Tonica are best friends who play well together.

They make people happy. Ginny & Tonica themselves are always in good spirits.



At the Movies

Ginny & Tonica like movies.

Their parents like…


It’s lazy and you know it.

Listen, real talk: If you and I ever find ourselves in a movie, television show, or streaming limited series, and I fall asleep on the couch in your house or apartment for whatever reason, do not step into view only to carefully and quietly pull a blanket up to my…

But it’s your prerogative to seek a second opinion.

Ms. Kirby, please take a seat. I’m afraid I have some troubling news, and it will no doubt be difficult for you to hear this. The results of your blood work are back from the lab. …


Like other children, Seven sees and Seven wonders…

Principal Stern called this afternoon. Yes, from Seven’s school. I’m afraid our son has been acting out in class again, and unfortunately his behavior has gotten much worse. His teacher is very concerned that Seven isn’t respecting the personal space of other students. I assured Principal Stern that we’ve spoken…


It’s a myth that every plant in need of rescue is damaged in some way.

Come on in. Welcome. Help yourself to a glass of lemon water. Oh, my plants? Why, thank you! They’re rescues. All of them.

You didn’t know you could rescue plants? Sure. You have to do a little bit more work — both to find a plant in need of rescue…

Kuplink, kuplank, kuplunk

Maybe I shouldn’t be admitting this.

When our son was born, my wife and I obtained all sorts of books, most of them gifts from friends and relatives who didn’t know that you can give gifts that aren’t books. Books about red fish and blue fish, hungry caterpillars, cows that type. And so many books about…

Raiding the public domain

As of January 1, 2021, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s classic Jazz Age tale is in the public domain. …

What some people want to know

Will the COVID-19 vaccine give me COVID-19?

Will the COVID-19 vaccine turn me into a liberal?

Will the COVID-19 vaccine make me an SJW, RBG, or AOC?

Will the COVID-19 vaccine take away my guns?

Will the COVID-19 vaccine abort any or all of my children?

Will the COVID-19 vaccine…

Hi, there. Welcome to the homestretch… of a difficult calendar year, anyway. There’s probably another homestretch to come.

Among other things, this year was a different one for How Pants Work. The publication continued to thrive under the stewardship of veteran humor editor Brian Boone… but Brian is stepping down…

Matthew David Brozik

Novelist. Copywriter. Lawyer. Lone punman. Visit

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